5 days of having no grains (save my rice protein powder shake and at time enough vanilla rice milk to take the edge off)I discovered that i still fell no sensation of a full stomach, or satiety...and it seemed like my digestion was slowing to a grinding halt---like no peristaltic action. In a desperate move, i put fiber into my shake,and that helped not only with adding more structure and filler to all the vege fiber, it caused me to fell something new--satiated. I feel satiated for hours! it is wonderful. I do not feel hungry!
When I am on grains, I am immediately addicted. The addiction is inebriating, it takes the edge off all my emotions..and I thought i simply had self control. My ability to feel my emotions and physical pain has been heightened. I have developed an appreciation for these, and the desire never to be controlled by them, so to me it is like getting a useful tool back. it is not disappointing or frightening. I am observing my feelings. Emotions,in proper perspective, are helpful for understanding and communicating, and even some decision making.
Satiety helps one to feel settled. I know that I was getting to a strange place where I was losing my appetite altogether...and just like I was fading from life. Feeling fullness, and satiated seems to make foe better rhythm and tempo to each day. Though lack of sleep still causes me mild carb cravings. Today I have post-exertional exhaustion form singing, and lack of sleep, but I suspect the post exertional days will pass with less carb cravings, and i fell hope that post-exertional exhaustion days might someday fade out of my memory...
For fiber, I am taking medi-bulk, in my mediclear anti-inflammatory shake. I have at times added knox gelatin, though i am sure that agar-agar flakes are better and cleaner, as they are not form bovine. Perhaps I can find gelatin powder form a source where the bovines are grass-fed and not treated with hormones and chemicals etc... Today, a lady at the gym who manages type 2 diabetes strictly with diet and no meds, told me she takes a tablespoon of chia seeds with meals, and they gel up on her stomach with the food. I can see that, we have soaked chia seeds and spread them on the terra-cotta forms for fun here. I always wondered why they were sold at the health food store! The I thought of ground flax for my shakes too!
Then i got to thinking about flax...and that maybe, just maybe next month i can have some small pancakes made of a mixture of ground flax and teff, just some very small ones...but truthfully, I think I would rather stay in this safe place for a while. I lost 5 lbs in 6 days, and i think i stand to get down to where I was when i started working outside the home part time---that is where i lost my momentum...when I started my job at the gym,and then added many other industrial part-time other good things at intervals later. my weight gain is a combination of reasons, more then i yet know, as the blood work is still out.
At the time i began my first job outside the home, i had plateaued at thirty LBS less than when i started the gym. Istarted the gym because my heart was pounding at night, and during some hormonal phases, and also jsut feeling like of i did not do something i was going to have a heart attack. the year prior had been unbelievable and devastating. Medical tests begai to unravel many mysteries, and also show me that some things would never change. I decided i could join a gym. A friend took me. It took a month or two ,to decide, but when i did i never looked back.
I lost some pounds just working out regularly for the first time in my life, then after seeing a licensed ND that took me off most of my massive doses of supplements, another ten or thirteen came off in a week. My poor body was hanging onto any fat i ate just to store insoluble vitamins etc....(my opinion.) He also got me drinking water. before i saw him, I would fell washed out whenever oi tried to drink the RDA of water. He had me add electrolytes. They have served me well till now. Now I am off them as well. But I can drink the water and not pee out all the minerals, so it is okay.At the time i decided to work at the gym, I had been doing well,and controlling my diet, but my boss said too much, that i should eat more for a week or two, and then go back to my good diet----a cycle that i now teach as well! It worked, o lost five more in a short period of time, like toe weeks...but after that, I did too much...and had gained all but ten pounds of my heaviest weigh back! My blood pressure drops the heavier I am...my internist says he has never seen anything like it, and not to gain more. MY mirror tells me that i neither looked or felt marvelous...but I could not do the sensible diet... something was causing me as much as 7 lbs fluid retention...I felt so defeated, and also addicted to carbs to bury the pain,and just because, i have no toleration for carbs---says the gastroenterologist...and others.
So here i am, 12 lbs u(I was 30 lbs up form that basic need last week---now just 25--ten more lbs and i will get into a size that will greatly simplify my closet again!!!!) from the day i started my job, and 17lbs up from my "I am starting to feel good" weight. i think Under the care of this current Dr who specializes in adrenal insufficiency and fatigue, that the code to my metabolism will be cracked,and i will be able to not only get to the weight i was when I followed my boss's advice and pattern of metabolic recovery, but descend to a healthy weight below that yet and even better for my frame and over-all well being, not to mention, my closet and my mirror, and how it makes me feel to look into it. I fear I will get really saggy and wrinkly--but maybe by then I can do crunches, and really p[our it on in the strength training. Well, at least i will feel healthy and like i am a part of the world around me in a more functional and productive way. I will plan this time not to get so exited , and then over committed, and run myself into the ground...(I have abused all health i have ever gotten--getting so exited at the first little smidge---it felt so goo, and i would run and spend it--this time i will be careful until I am fully well. The Dr will help here. Wise council from a Titus 2 mentor also, and a loving husband who has been with me through it all, and loves me very much. I am grateful to God, so grateful! I am not well, but i have hope! Hope!
I am receiving help, and support. I am feeling the new feeling of satiety--it is a welcome feeling, a welcome relief. Due to carb addictions, and belly pains for allergenic foods, and perhaps habit, sometimes diets (same as now--only i would just get weaker till i felt like i was passing away---I don't think i have ever known satiety in my life. I can get through this. If my bloods come back clean of cancer or organ failure, I am sure that i can beat this. The other data collected from all the tests will also be a great help. And the spiritual growth in the fires, and the wisdom of years will be grace as well. And I think I have hope to be in the words of an author I love to read, be more fully human...yes, i stand to feel more fully alive! (Physically speaking, because spiritually I have been made alive, and have has awareness of that preservative aspect through the darkness. But of to apply that hope and joy with a body that might be able to handle it!
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